I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
