Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
