It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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