Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
