tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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