Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
