a queef is a wish your heart makes.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize