I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
