this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize