I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
