Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
