I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
