she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize