I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
