I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
