If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
