It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
smell my finger.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
