living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
