the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
