there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
