I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I love having hate sex.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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