why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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