He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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