Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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