Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
you never un-have a 4some
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
