I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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