I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
whose parrot is this?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
