i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
