new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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