Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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