i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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