i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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