I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
