Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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