We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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