dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
