i wish my penis had a tongue
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
