ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
