When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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