mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize