i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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