id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
