So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My vagina just recognized that song.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
