I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
