Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Floor bacon is actually really good
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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