she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
