She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
It's not a walk of shame if you run
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
