We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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