I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
