Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
