he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
