I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
