theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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