My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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