she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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