She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
