I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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