i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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