too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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