I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
