i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
