I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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