i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
