the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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