YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
