seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish you could order shots online.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
